For most of my youth, I thought hippies were so cool. I aspired to be like those nonchalant, chill folks who seemed to have “live and let live” vibes in spades. It seemed cool not to care, to never become upset or frazzled over something. Especially when juxtaposed against the very conservative and sometimes controlling community of my origin. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that nonchalance can be poison.

Which brings me to this Buddhist philosophy in the quote above. I realize that I’m just a Westerner tackling an ancient religion and philosophy I know virtually nothing about. At the same time, when I’ve had a Western friend or co-worker espouse the virtues of Buddhism to me, it’s this same philosophy that they always bring up. So please note, this musing is filtered through an entirely Western lens.

The idea that attachment leads to suffering is widely accepted in Western Buddhism. If attachment causes our feelings of suffering, then it follows that freedom would be found in detachment. But… is that really true?

An infant is born craving attachment to his mother. That is right & natural. When that attachment becomes malformed, it causes deep emotional and psychological suffering for the child. Is the solution to remove the child’s attachment to his mother entirely? Or tell the child, “You should not crave your mother’s love, or touch, or approval. Just let go of that expectation.” Of course not.

This idea- that one should let go of attachment to avoid suffering- is totally unhelpful for someone with CPTSD (chronic post-traumatic stress disorder caused from malformed childhood attachment) like me. How can a child be responsible to let go of something they’re biologically programmed to need?

When a person has experienced malformed attachment and childhood trauma, the solution is for that person to learn how to attach healthily to others. For those with avoidant attachment, like me, the solution is to attach MORE, not to detach completely.

There’s a psychological phenomenon called “dissociation” that affects folks with trauma or emotional disregulation. Dissociation is one way the mind copes with too much stress. It’s an involuntary experience that occurs when you feel disconnected from yourself or your environment, when you put up walls, when you check out from your own emotions and physical sensations, when you bottle everything up.

“Let go of all attachment” is crazy to me because dissociating for the rest of your life would be so fucking unhealthy. It would drive you crazy. It would make you lonely. It causes your emotions to explode at inopportune times. And those emotions become so large and overwhelming that you become a catatonic mess until you can calm down and dissociate again. It causes your life to spiral in the worst of ways while you scramble for every unhealthy coping mechanism you can think of (from overeating to porn to drugs & alcohol) until you can dissociate again.

I don’t need to “let go of my attachment” (aka dissociate more)- I need to cultivate attachment. I don’t need to avoid suffering- I need to accept that suffering is part of life. Suffering is part of every life, no matter what you do or how good or bad of a person you are, or how great your life started out (or not). Suffering is not something to be avoided, even if that were possible.

Frankly, attempting to avoid pain & suffering causes MORE suffering. Accepting suffering, sitting with it, fully embracing it- THAT is the only thing that actually lessens the pain of it. Because once you’ve accepted it as a fact of life, you can stop blaming yourself for it, stop wondering why it had to happen to you, or why other people seem to have it so much easier. Because you’ve felt the gnawing, grasping, relentless need birthed by your own suffering, you will have the drive to do what you can to lessen the suffering of others. And when you can do THAT for someone you love, it makes the suffering all worth it.

What do you think about avoiding attachment in order to avoid suffering? I’d love to hear your thoughts.